First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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