I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
3 2 1 whiskey
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize