im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
