Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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