If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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