you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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