before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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