OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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