FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You're like the curious george of whores
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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