Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
