the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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