Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
