I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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