I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
