if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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