I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
