I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
