I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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