I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
