C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
