my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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