Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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