Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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