they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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