I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
