And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
