Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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