I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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