cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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