Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
