I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
