You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
