I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
