Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got inside last night via doggy door
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
