I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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