They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
