So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
