i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize