So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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