If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
