the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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