i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize