I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize