So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
