you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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