if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
