Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
