I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
