remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
