smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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