If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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