Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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