I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize