I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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