if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
