i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
