Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
