He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize