I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
