Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
