woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
